.ihate

today i hate it here

today i hate the stupid kids

today i hate the man who is sitting there laughing at me as his wife twists her hands nervously and tells me she hasn't eaten in two days.  I tell her, he is strong - he can go out and plant the rice - I know they are hiring laborers right now....  and she tells me, il est fort pour rien - he is strong for nothing - so i hate him too

and i think she's lying to me

so i hate her too

and i hate myself for walking away from someone who tells me they are hungry

i hate how people show up at my compound at 6 in the morning and other early hours - i hate how my family doesn't wake me up or let me know - and I awake to the sun on my face and someone sitting in a plastic chair a few yards from my mosquito net staring at me

and how you can't ask what they want - how you can't just be like - I'm tired.  its 6 am.  I have no idea who you are.  I know you are here to ask for something.  out with it.

i hate how i have to sit there smiling pleasantly when there are a million other things i would rather be doing - until they finally get around to what they want from me

i hate the millet crowding the roadsides

i hate the fetid grey puddles congealing and breeding mosquitoes in the paths

I hate that I now have no place to charge my computer without bothering someone

I hate that I work night shift and never see anyone

I hate that i feel lonely

I hate the blasted 5 am sweeping

I hate that this is a passive-aggressive , non-confrontational cultural

i hate that the women are treated worse than animals

i hate that dogs are sold for food in the market

i hate people calling me Nasara

i hate the mothers shaking their crying children and telling them the Nasara will beat them or eat them if they don't stop crying

i hate the sweat constantly dripping down my face

i hate that my much-desired care package was denied by customs

I hate the disrespectful flies

I hate that I can't cook anything unless its over charcoal for 2 hours

i hate coming in to work and finding more marks in the deceased column

i hate that there is no one that really wants to talk to me about that

I hate that i can't stop thinking about it

i hate that i can't just  drive off into the sunset and get away from it all

i hate the trash covering the ground

i hate the abandoned bedpans outside the door of peds, overflowing with the foulest matter

i hate the fact that I have to pay for an Echo for the delegate who will probably die anyway because i couldn't say no

i hate all the men of tchad

i hate eating only carbohydrates

i hate the men in the market who make fun of me for my flowing pants

I hate the gang of children that hiss at me on my way home

i hate that every single time you try to help someone, their story changes over and over - I hate never knowing the truth

I hate the fact that my friends can't get through when they try to call me

I hate that they are going through things I can't be there for them for

I hate the fact that I haven't done anything fun in the longest time

I hate the choking dust that sifts over everything i own

I hate stepping over piles of excrement on my way to the latrine

I hate that that is the shower also

I hate that I'm too tired to function properly

I hate that I have uncompleted projects I can't seem to drum up the energy for

i hate that just now there was a pause in the blog - the 3rd person today looking for me - telling me she can't sleep, telling me her stomach hurts, telling me her head hurts, yet smiling and shaking my hand profusely all the while.

i hate feeling helpless, not knowing whether or not to give to her - because I feel like she is playing the system - me and Marci have helped her twice already - i hate that she shows up with nothing smiling and expects me to fix a problem i don't understand. 

i hate that only 2 hours earlier i was telling Danae we should give to everyone anyway - even though they are lying, even though, even though - i hate that when that is put to the test.....that i feel so angry. 

i hate being in this position, although i love that i live a privileged life

i hate the constant battle of trying to reconcile what i have with what others have not

i hate that i'm typing this here on my thousand dollar laptop and 300 dollar phone, on the internet, while she is here in torn flip flops saying she doesn't have 20 cents to her name.

i hate that i feel animosity towards her

i hate that no matter how much i do - i can always do more

i hate that right now i stepped out to buy hard boiled eggs and peaunut butter for the woman that said she and her child hadn't eaten in 2 days - the one with the strong well-dressed husband - and he walks up and buys 3 eggs.  after he told me he had nothing.  after the wife has tears in her eyes telling me he gives her nothing. 

some things i love right now:

Coca Cola
Rap Music
that tomorrow is a new day


*** note:  reader be aware:  I do not actually HATE all of these things, just a way of expressing bad thoughts on a bad day - so put it all in context